The Onion is the font of all great science reporting. Only the truthiest, most newsworthy items get published there.
And it seems as if there's been a breathtaking breakthrough in paleontology! One of our finer institutions of learning and research, the Creationist Museum of Natural History, has rocked the scientfic world with a startling find.
TULSA, OK—In a major coup for the growing field of creation science, the perfectly preserved remains of a 5,000-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex were delivered Monday to Tulsa's Creationist Museum of Natural History.
Methuselah was discovered last summer in northern Turkey by a team of Oral Roberts University archaeologists, who were on a dig searching for the Tower of Babel. According to Gill, the skeleton, which stands nearly 20 feet tall, possesses terrifying, razor-sharp teeth and claws, confirming that it was an evil beast in league with Satan, the Great Deceiver.
Using advanced dating processes from the cutting edge of biblical paleontology, the Oral Roberts team determined that Methuselah lived during the late Antediluvian period, or "The Age of the Dinosaurs." They said the pristine condition of the find strongly suggests that it perished in the Great Flood, fossilizing quickly and thoroughly due to the tremendous water pressure during the event.
Even the mainstream scientific community, in defiance of all reason and expectation, can't stop talking about this amazing discovery!
Methuselah has caused such a stir that even supporters of evolutionary science have found themselves caught up in "T. Rex Fever." Christopher Eldridge, director of New York's Museum of Natural History, raved that the acquisition was "absolutely inconceivable" and "not to be believed." Dr. Harmon Briggs, a Smithsonian Institution paleobiologist, gushed in a phone interview that the discovery of the 5,000-year-old beast was "mind-boggling" and "in defiance of all the human senses."
Said Gill: "I have even received an exciting letter from a paleontologist at UCLA asserting that Methuselah could be even older than 5,000 years. Who knows, it might even date back to the Sixth Day of Creation."
This may be the most important breakthrough I've reported on in these virtual pages since Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks! Or even Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence!
(Yeah, I know, this Onion piece is from 2003, but it's still a hoot.)