Friday Fun: Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups

Jun 17 2011 Published by under friday fun

I like the subtitle of this Onion article too: "'Mature Adults Could Be Gone Within 50 Years,' Experts Say"

In the wake of this week's rioting in Vancouver over the loss of a game, it seems particularly appropriate: Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups.

Of all the many Onion articles I've linked to over the years, this one has to be one of the best:

The endangered demographic, which is projected to die out completely by 2060, is reportedly distinguished from other groups by numerous unique traits, including foresight, rationality, understanding of how to obtain and pay for a mortgage, personal responsibility, and the ability to enter a store without immediately purchasing whatever items they see and desire.

"Our grown-ups are disappearing at a much faster rate than we previously believed," said Census Bureau chief Robert M. Groves, who believes the decline in responsible adults may now be irreversible. "Unfortunately, we've only recently noticed this terrible trend, perhaps because of this group's unusual capacity to endure hardships with quiet dignity instead of whining loudly to draw attention to themselves."

*snip*

"Grown-ups are as fascinating as they are rare," said anthropologist Arthur Ambler, who has lived among level-headed adult populations and documented their lifestyle. "It may seem odd to the rest of us, but for mature adults, occasionally putting the greater good ahead of their own interests or remaining calm when something doesn't go their way is commonplace."

"Imagine confronting a problem directly instead of pointing a finger, cowering in fear, or pretending it just isn't happening," Ambler added. "This is how these people actually live, if you can believe that."

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