Friday Fun: Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs

Oct 09 2009 Published by under friday fun

Yes, The Onion again. It's only been two weeks since the last one. I just couldn't help myself.

There's just something about global warming humour that appeals to my sense of the absurd.

ZACKENBERG RESEARCH STATION, GREENLAND--Claiming it to be one of the most dramatic and visible signs of climate change to date, researchers said Monday that receding polar ice caps have revealed nearly 200 clandestine lairs once buried deep beneath hundreds of feet of Arctic ice.

"We always assumed there would be some secret lairs here and there, but the sheer number now being exposed is indeed troubling," said noted climatologist Anders Lorenzen, who claimed that the Arctic ice caps have shrunk at the alarming rate of 41,000 square miles per year. "In August alone we discovered 44 mad scientist laboratories, three highly classified military compounds, and seven reanimated and very confused cavemen. That's more than twice the number we had found in the previous three decades combined."


"You spend your whole career concocting a brilliant scheme to wipe out all of mankind, and what happens?" Dr. Raygun continued. "They bring about a major global catastrophe completely on their own, those fools!"

There's something faintly Lovecraftian about all this of course, kind of like At the Mountains of Madness done by Judd Apatow. And you just have to know a movie version would switch poles, too!

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